When you have a child diagnosed with cancer, there are no adequate words to describe how you feel. Understandably, these brave parents will focus all of their energy and resources on their children — helping them survive, heal, and thrive beyond the shadow of cancer.
Kids with cancer need enormous love and support. It’s a wholly unique experience that no child should face and no parent is prepared for.
While so much of the time and attention is focused on the child with cancer (and rightfully so!), parents do themselves and their child an injustice if they do not also care for themselves, mentally, physically, and emotionally. You are at your strongest as a pillar of support when you care for yourself.
A dry well can’t give water to the thirsty.
A burned-out parent can’t be all that they need to be for their kids.
When facing a cancer diagnosis, especially that of a child, you may be plagued with questions of “why?”
We all ask why terrible things happen, and the dissatisfaction of having no answers can be crushing. You may begin to wonder if you could have prevented this: if you had fed your child a different diet or not done this thing or remembered to do that. In your quest to know why things happen, you’re likely to find yourself burdened with self-blame.
Here’s the truth: it isn’t your fault.
Cancer is not a parent’s fault. Cancer is not a child’s fault.
Holding on to “what-if” and “if-only” will only bring you undeserved grief and heartache. Instead of focusing on what could have been, focus on what you will make of the present.
Like the cancer patient themselves, the parents of kids with cancer will experience a rollercoaster of emotions. You will feel grief and loss. There will be anger. You’ll be afraid and sad and even guilty when you’re able to snatch a moment of happiness or normalcy.
All of these emotions are okay. There’s no “should” for how a parent of a child with cancer feels. The one thing you need, though is this: hope.
Keep holding on to hope, no matter how dark the night seems.
Cancer can bring beautiful communities of support together. For patients and their parents, though, cancer can still be an isolating experience. Even if people offer support, you may feel uniquely alone in what you are going through. It might seem like no one understands and you have no one to talk to.
Believe us, you do. You are not alone. Your child is not alone. There are families in your same shoes and those who have walked through to the other side.
Don’t feel as though you can’t talk to anyone about what you’re going through. You can — and it isn’t a burden to do so. If anything, you can gift someone else with love and support. At the least, you allow someone else to let their cancer journey encourage someone else.
Anxious thoughts run rampant at night. You might find yourself tossing and turning with worry, then turning to Google to research anything and everything about your child’s diagnosis. Resist this urge. Nothing good comes from searching out this kind of information from anyone other than your child’s personal care team. All it will do is stoke the flames of worry and fear.
In those dark morning hours, you can’t think through things properly. If something is on your mind, write it down and revisit it in the clear light of day.
Parents of kids with cancer need support, too. It’s easy to slip into the role of support and strength for your child while neglecting your own need for support. You’re going to feel overwhelmed. That’s okay.
It may help you to let another family member, a sibling or in-law, be in charge of communicating updates and coordinating offers of help. They can better help you see what you need when you have no idea what you need. A third party can take notes when appointments make you feel numb.
Accept gestures of support, big and small, as you can. Never think you don’t need to be supported through your child’s cancer journey, too.
From diagnosis to remission and beyond, we must form a culture of lifelong, total support for pediatric cancer patients.
Kicking cancer means that kids — and their families — thrive.