For children and teens, the topic of cancer can be overwhelming and confusing. From diagnosis to life in remission, parents must be able to appropriately explain the needs and circumstances of their child.
Now, keep in mind: parents, you do not owe strangers details or explanations. This is strictly related to talking to your child’s siblings, young relatives, or friends. In many cases, you may be able to relay necessary information to another adult and have them explain it to their children.
Remember, though: these kids care about your child, too. Friends, siblings, and family members all love your child. They want them to be okay and they want to understand.
Help them process your child’s cancer diagnosis by talking to them in age-appropriate, honest ways. Here are some tips:
4 Tips for Talking to Children About Cancer
Don't Keep Secrets
The worst thing you can do is try to conceal a cancer diagnosis from a child’s siblings. Children are extremely perceptive. They will recognize shifts in mood, stress, and schedule that indicate to them that something is wrong. If they do not know what is going on, it can inspire unnecessary anxiety, fear, and self-blame.
Be honest with your other children. Tell their friends what is going on. Inform their teachers and coaches so that they can compassionately relay information to their teammates and peers.
When you allow other children to be a part of the conversation, you allow them to healthily process the situation and their emotions.
Keep Context in Mind
The age, personality, and maturity of your other children matter immensely. A 16-year-old requires a different approach than a 4-year-old. What they can understand and handle will be wildly different. Anxious children will need more reassurance.
No one outside of your immediate family and care team needs to know all of the details. You might be asked questions you aren’t willing or able to answer. That’s okay! However, honesty about the situation is key.
Emphasize that the cancer is no one’s fault and that you and the team of doctors are doing everything they can to help their friend/sibling/cousin get better as soon as possible. Stress that your child needs special care and attention right now so that they can heal.
Beware of “information dumping.” While you might want to rip the bandaid off, too much information at once can scare and overwhelm children. Give them the basics without too much detail and answer questions with honest clarity but without too many unnecessary details.
Offer Ways to Help
Your child’s siblings, friends, and family members may feel helpless learning of their diagnosis. They’ll no doubt want to do something to make your child feel better as they go through treatment. Allow older children to take on some household responsibilities that are appropriate for their relationship with your child. Older siblings, for example, can help care for household chores and younger siblings.
Younger siblings and friends benefit from suggestions on how to comfort and spend time with your child. Encourage them to write letters and cards, chat or call online, or engage in other appropriate social activities.
The same goes for friends, classmates, and teammates. You can provide an address to their coach, parents, or teachers for cards and get-well gifts.
When your child’s social circle feels as though they can make a difference and act in helpful, loving ways, your child benefits mentally and emotionally.
Explain What Has to Happen
The journey from diagnosis to survivorship can be very long. At different points in your child’s cancer journey, more questions may arise about procedures, medication, side effects, and the future. When talking to other kids about your child’s cancer journey, explain to them the steps that have to happen before they are “cancer-free,” and make clear some of the side effects so that they will not be scared or surprised.
Talking to kids about cancer — especially cancer in another child — is difficult. They may be scared that they will get cancer, or worry for the life and wellbeing of their friend. This worry is better than the unknown.
Parents, continue to be honest with your child’s siblings about what is happening. You can help give them the emotional tools to cope in healthy ways.