Receiving a cancer diagnosis is world-shattering in the best of circumstances. It’s only more devastating when the patient is your child. You may never face this reality—and we hope you never do—but chances are, you know someone who will. 

The parents of kids with cancer need our support. If you’re a friend or family member, you’re in the perfect position to be a pillar of strength in their time of need. Unfortunately, though…not everyone knows the best way to help. And sometimes, their help hurts.

We’re here to help you know how to approach this delicate situation—and what not to do!

Real Ways You Can Support Families of Kids with Cancer

Don’t: Play doctor.

Everyone searches for a reason or a “why” when facing a difficult medical diagnosis. It’s human. We all do it. However, resist any temptation you may feel to posit theories to the family. Don’t speculate about the “why.” Don’t provide medical advice or offer alternative treatments. Allow the family to rely on their child’s medical team and those qualified to speak to their unique condition. No armchair experts allowed.

Do: Stay in your lane.

You have gifts, talents, and knowledge that can help the family in ways you’ve never dreamed of. Are you good at planning outings? Take their other children out for a day of fun to give the parents a break. Excellent at cleaning and organizing? Offer to take care of time-consuming, tedious chores. Do you have amazing connections and public speaking skills? Leverage those to fundraise for the family. 

You have a way to help that magnifies your abilities.

Don’t: Offer vague help.

Offering to help is great, but don’t make the mistake of putting the family under the mental load of your help. What do we mean by that? The mental load encompasses the mental and emotional labor of organizing, remembering, and coordinating within a household. It’s work no one sees. If you say, “Let me know how I can help,” you’re leaving a lot of decisions on your friend’s shoulders. They’re likely not to take you up on the offer because of it.

Do: Get specific.

Instead, for example, say, “I’m free Friday afternoon. Can I come by and mow your lawn for you?” or “I made extra lasagna. Can I drop it off for you on Monday?” 

As much as possible, make offering help a matter of “yes” or “no,” not battling schedules, options, and logistics. If you ask your friend what would be most helpful to them, include suggestions of things you’re willing to do rather than leaving the question open-ended.

Don’t: Smother the family.

Help is all fine and good, but there are times when the family wants to be alone. If you bring dinner over, don’t plan to stay. Drop it off and go. Read the room, too—the family might not feel like socializing or taking your suggestions at this time. Be sensitive to their needs!

Do: Communicate and Check-In

Simple, clear communication is the best way to avoid smothering the family with your efforts. Refuse to overstay your welcome. Do what you came to do and go home. Needs may change over time, so ask if what you’re doing still meets their immediate needs or if something different is more important to them right now.

Check-in. Talk. And don’t get offended or defensive if you’re asked to do something else.

Don’t: Rely on platitudes.

Some things feel helpful but aren’t. Avoid platitudes like:

• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Stay positive.”
• “Things will get better.”
• “God never gives you more than you can handle.”
• “Look on the bright side.”

You might think they’ll help, but they only exacerbate negative feelings, especially feelings of isolation. Nothing says, “I’m not listening and don’t understand what you’re going through,” like a platitude.

Do: Be a shoulder to cry on.

Be the kind of friend who listens. You don’t have to say much. Sometimes, you don’t have to say anything. Just be there. Listen. A child’s cancer journey is an emotional rollercoaster full of anxieties, decisions, and uncharted territory. You’re not there to be a guide. You’re there to be a support. 

Sometimes, all you need to say is, “I’m thinking of you,” and “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” Don’t try to fix things. Just be there and be real.

You’re an essential part of the community, coming around families of kids with cancer with love and support. Don’t discount your ability to help kick cancer!