When your child has been diagnosed with cancer, where do you begin? The emotions, fears, and worries cannot be conveyed or truly understood by anyone who has not experienced it themselves. It is wholly unique grief that can leave parents feeling alone and isolated. Because we often prioritize caring for our children first and foremost – giving them comfort, security, and the best treatment available – parents neglect themselves and their own emotional needs.
Your child needs you to be strong for their sake.
Being strong doesn’t mean pretending that things are okay. For parents of children with cancer, being strong means acknowledging, processing, and healthily coping with grief. Modeling these healthy practices can not only help your child cope, but it strengthens your ability to care for them without burning out.
About Grief and Mourning
First things first, parents: you are not selfish for grieving. Grief is a natural and healthy process. Grief is more than a singular moment in time, but is the entire process of coping and living with new circumstances. You can grieve even when your child is still with you. You may find yourself grieving for the future you thought they would have and the hardships they will experience. You may grieve changing family dynamics or new and sometimes scary responsibilities.
Grief isn’t reserved for death. You don’t need to feel bad for experiencing these feelings of loss.
Also know this: everyone experiences grief differently. Your experience may not be the same as that of the family of another childhood cancer patient. That doesn’t mean that anything is “wrong” with you!
Stages of Grief for Parents of Children with Cancer
Decades ago, experts defined five common stages of grief. You may not experience them all and you may feel “stuck” in one stage or move back and forth between them. Do not try to rush your own grieving process.
Stage 1: Denial & Isolation
Bad news comes as a shock to us all. We don’t in our wildest dreams want or expect our child to receive a cancer diagnosis. Initially, you may find yourself feeling numb. It likely won’t seem real. This can, in turn, result in isolation from reminders of the truth. You may dread doctors’ appointments, feel numb or disconnected from the care team’s counsel, or avoid friends and family to avoid talking about cancer.
What May Help: Talk about it. You won’t want to. However, leaning on a strong support network and being open and honest with your feelings may help you acknowledge reality and take more proactive, engaged steps to secure your child’s care.
Stage 2: Anger
We’ve all had the “why me?” feeling. In this case, you may feel anger – it isn’t fair to your family or your child. Anger can be directed at higher power, seemingly ineffective care, and doctors. You might lash out at your spouse or other friends and family members. Perhaps you even feel angry with yourself or your child and you do not know why. As the reality of your situation sinks in, anger and resentment can take hold, too.
You will likely feel anxious, frustrated, and unfocused in your daily life.
What May Help: Any traumatic life event can benefit from therapy. Talk to an objective professional where you can release your feelings without fear of judgment or reproach. Just getting your feelings out there can help you overcome them. If not therapy, try keeping a grief journal and expressing your thoughts in writing.
Stage 3: Bargaining
As parents, we would do anything to take away the suffering of our children. Bargaining isn’t just about making a deal with God, though it is often characterized that way. Bargaining is simply trying to make sense of your circumstances and reclaim a sense of control over the uncontrollable. Bargaining is the search for meaning amid suffering.
What May Help: Avoid Googling alternative remedies when traditional medicine seems to fail your child. Channel your feelings into something productive. Share your child’s story and focus on encouraging families in similar situations. While you cannot change your child’s circumstances, you can create good in the world in light of it.
Stage 4: Depression
Grief and depression feel very similar. Depression, however, causes isolation, distress, poor health, and overwhelming feelings of sadness, helplessness, and/or hostility.
What May Help: Look for hope. It may feel impossible, but hope exists – whether it is a hope for healing or hope for relief from pain. Again, counseling is enormously beneficial here. Prepare yourself for good days and bad, when the depression comes in waves. Ultimately, keep your focus on your child and do what is best for them. It will give you purpose beyond your own grief.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Acceptance is the last and most difficult stage to reach. It can take months or years, and it doesn’t mean that the other stages won’t make appearances in your life. This is when you come to terms with what you and your child have lost. Your circumstances don’t have to end in the death of a child to result in acceptance, either. You can make peace with their life and who they will become, even if it isn’t what you envisioned.
What May Help: Recognize that acceptance doesn’t mean you have to feel okay with your circumstances. It just means you recognize them for what they are and begin to adjust to new schedules and demands for your child’s sake. You may want to write down a plan or organize your family’s needs in a clear, concise, and actionable way. This can lend you a sense of control and agency that moves you closer to making peace with your child’s diagnosis.