As adults, we can often forget just how emotionally challenging childhood can be. This is true of every child – not just those on a cancer journey. We, as parents and caretakers, can become so fixated on meeting the pressing physical needs of pediatric cancer patients that we neglect their emotional and mental needs.
Self-regulation is a key skill children must learn: the act of understanding and channeling big emotions in healthy ways. When a child lacks self-regulation, they may be prone to emotional outbursts. They may seem “over-sensitive” or have reactions that seem disproportional to the situation at hand.
More likely than not, the upheaval and fear associated with their cancer diagnosis and treatment will cause your child turmoil. Even kids who have had no issues self-regulating their emotions before may find themselves not knowing how to deal with new, big feelings.
Here are some ways that parents can help their children cope with strong emotions throughout their cancer journey:
5 Tactics to Help Your Child Cope with Difficult Emotions
1. Give Feelings Names
Listen to your child, even in the middle of a fit or tantrum. These things don’t happen if there aren’t big emotions involved, and as parents, we need to help our children understand what they are feeling. It will help them be better able to recognize and understand their emotions.
You might say, “I can tell you are feeling scared and frustrated. I know that being in the hospital makes you sad.”
Once an emotion has been named, you can help your child identify a healthy way to process it.
2. Create Healthy Outlets
We all need an emotional outlet for our fears, frustrations, and big feelings. For your child, a healthy outlet might be journaling, creating art, listening to a particular genre of music, or have a good old-fashioned cry. They might want hugs and affection, or to just be left alone for a little while. Suggest and provide options for your child when strong emotions have them feeling lost and vulnerable. Sometimes, a healthy outlet is just a good distraction – playing games, watching a favorite show or movie, or anything to give their mind something else to do.
3. Mind Your Own Emotions
Children are always watching, always learning from their parents. Part of teaching healthy self-regulation and emotional intelligence comes from modeling the behavior we want our children to exhibit. When you’re angry, do you shout or react physically – punching walls or throwing things? Do you cope using alcohol or other vices?
Kids learn from what they see. Your own emotional intelligence and how it manifests in words and actions contribute to how your children will develop emotionally.
4. Validate Emotions
Oftentimes, parents conflate emotions with actions. If our child throws a tantrum, says something inappropriate out of anger, or otherwise misbehaves because of their feelings, we tend to condemn the entire situation and dismiss the feelings that sparked the negative behavior.
It’s important that children understand that it is completely healthy to feel big emotions. It’s okay to feel sad, upset, scared, or angry. What might not be okay is how those emotions manifest in actions. Their actions might hurt themselves or those around them, and that is what is not okay. This is why it is so important to direct our children towards healthy coping mechanisms.
If we make children feel as though their emotions are bad or unacceptable, it can lead to repression and other mental health issues. They may grow distant and detached – both from their emotions and from the people who care about them.
5. Praise Healthy Coping
Reinforce healthy behaviors. Just as you would praise your child for good manners or grades, focus on praising them when they deal with their emotions in mature, healthy ways. For example, an angry child may be tempted to yell, hurt feelings, or act out. But instead, maybe they chose to journal or channel their feelings into a work of art. Maybe they calmly told someone how they were feeling.
When you notice your child coping with their emotions in productive, positive ways, tell them so. Not only does it validate their feelings, but it reinforces the value of their emotional outlets.
Kicking cancer means supporting children when & where they need it most – physically, socially, and emotionally!