It’s hard to know what to do for a suffering family. It’s particularly challenging when children are involved. When a child is diagnosed with cancer, grief and suffering are a part of the journey. Whether that journey is beginning or ending, these families need the love and support of the people around them.

You might not know how to bring comfort. That’s okay – most of us don’t! Though everyone deals with grief and suffering differently, there are some universal truths about comforting hurting people. Here are a few things you need to know:

5 Ways to Comfort Families Facing Childhood Cancer

#1 – Listen more than you speak.

Your greatest asset is not what you say; it’s how well you listen. None of us have the magic words that heal all wounds. Your words will feel inadequate because they are. Listening is far more powerful when someone is suffering. They need to be heard. Sometimes feelings need to be expressed. They’re not looking for advice. They’re not even looking for comfort. They just need things to be said.

Be the person who listens without judgment.

#2 – Write a note.

If you aren’t comfortable with a conversation, write a note. Some people communicate better when they have time to think about what they’re saying, make edits, and fully express themselves. Not only can this prevent some “foot in mouth” moments, but it also allows the person receiving the note to return to it. Your words become an ever-present reminder of comfort and hope. Even years later, they can look back upon your encouragement word-for-word. There’s something profoundly powerful about that!

#3 – Don’t focus on yourself.

People prevent themselves from offering support because they worry about saying the wrong things. You should be the last thing on your mind when trying to comfort someone. Their grief isn’t about you. Unless you’re being tactless and offensive, they will appreciate the effort. Leave your insecurities behind.

Similarly, avoid turning to conversation toward yourself. You may think your personal anecdote is helpful, but ask before you launch into a long story. In most cases, people just want a loving presence that will listen and empathize. You don’t need to worry about “relating” or having the perfect words. Just be there.

#4 – Make small gestures.

Small, consistent gestures tell suffering people you’re thinking of them. It can be a small note, a gift of a favorite candy bar or beverage, or a gift card for their local coffee shop. Bake cookies, send a meal through Doordash, or buy a happy.

Send reminders throughout the cancer journey, not just in the beginning. Outsiders may “move on,” but a grieving family does not. Commit yourself to supporting these families throughout the long months and years. Ask them how they’re doing. Check in. Be present!

#5 – Provide practical help.

Sometimes the best way to comfort someone amid suffering is to take things off their plate. Processing grief while the world spins on is challenging. Getting daily tasks done becomes that much harder. So relieve the burden: mow their lawn. Coordinate a meal train. Offer to do their laundry. Shuttle their kids to practices and after-school activities.

Ask what help they think is appropriate and offer suggestions. It will demand some sacrifice: time, effort, and even money. But meaningful support always requires sacrifice.

Nothing we say or do will eliminate suffering. It is within our power, though, to ease the pain. Every child, parent, guardian, and sibling wrestling with pediatric cancer deserves love and support. If you can be that person, embrace the calling!

But let us warn you: you can’t pour out of an empty cup. Bringing comfort to someone demands your full attention and effort. You risk burning out if you’re not taking care of yourself and relying on your support network. Whether or not you recognize it, exposing yourself to suffering will take a toll on your mental and emotional health.

The risk is worth it, but it does mean we all need to care for ourselves. When we do, we’re better equipped and able to love suffering people: giving fully and freely of ourselves. You may never be able to fix suffering, but you can shine a light of hope despite it.