When someone we love has cancer, we can struggle to know what to say and do to bring comfort and support. Sometimes we are so afraid of saying the “wrong” thing that we choose not to say anything at all. We may not realize it, but that silence can be hurtful, too.
If there is someone in our lives whose child is going through a cancer journey, we naturally want to offer our love, help, and encouragement. Let’s break down a few of the best, most helpful things you can say...and what to avoid.
5 Phrases Parents of a Child with Cancer Need to Hear:
1.“This really sucks. I am so sorry.” Humans largely want to solve problems. Most of the time, however, things are beyond our — or anyone’s — control. Sometimes people just need to have their pain acknowledged and empathized with. Relay your love for them and just how heartbroken you are for them. At the same time, be careful of making your comments about how their struggle makes you feel. It can come off as self-centered rather than genuinely caring.
2. “Can I take your other children to the playground for a few hours? How about tomorrow afternoon?”
A parent who has a child with cancer experiences a lot of challenges. There are emotional, relational, and financial hardships. There is worry and fear for the future and their child. It is all understandably overwhelming!
This can make daily tasks difficult. Sometimes, mom and dad just need a break. Offer to care for their other children in small ways. Take them to the playground for a few hours. Buy them ice cream. Take a walk in the park.
Regardless, give their other children some fun and “normalcy” while allowing the parents to rest and take care of pressing issues. Better yet, offer to entertain their kids during their child’s next procedure, hospital stay, or treatment.
3. “Let me bring you a meal. I’ll drop it by tomorrow. When can I come by?”
Parents of kids with cancer rarely know what to ask for. Avoid saying “what can I do for you?” or “if you need anything, just tell me.”
Chances are, they won’t. It’s not a matter of pride, but rather the overwhelming circumstances leaving them at a loss. Instead, be proactive and specific. Tell your friend you will come and do their laundry this weekend. Let them know you’re bringing dinner by. Offer to clean their house on Tuesday. Be specific about what you’re going to do and take the initiative to suggest times yourself.
4. “You and your family are always in my prayers/thoughts.”
While the idea of “thoughts and prayers” can be seen as empty to some, it can still make an enormous difference in the lives of kids with cancer and their parents. Regardless of your beliefs, it makes people feel loved to know you are praying for them or thinking well of and for them in these tough times.
5. “Tell me how you’re doing.”
Parents of kids with cancer almost exclusively focus on their child. Their own emotional needs often fall by the wayside. Allow your friend breathing room to process and express their own emotions, needs, and feelings. Check in on them specifically and personally!
5 Phrases to Avoid Saying to Parents of a Child with Cancer Need to Hear:
1. “Everything happens for a reason.”
Avoid platitudes at all costs. These can come off as glib and hurtful. Many families, regardless of their beliefs, will struggle with them during these trials and tribulations. Issues of faith, God, or things happening for a reason can come across as insensitive and hurtful, particularly if they are in the middle of a crisis of faith.
2. “They’ll be okay.”
Don’t say what you can’t guarantee. It might seem comforting, but you don’t know that. No one does. While we would like for it to be true, it may not always be the case. Rather than declaring that everything will be fine, acknowledge the pain of the situation.
3. “I know how you feel.”
You don’t. Even if you or a family member has had cancer, you do not know what it means to be a parent of a child with cancer unless you have been there. Even for parents who have experienced a cancer journey with their child, everyone has a different experience. Do not presume to know how anyone feels in this situation.
4. “Have you tried _____?”
Avoid unsolicited advice or criticism regarding parents as they choose care and treatments for their child. No, you do not need to suggest essential oils or a new diet or anything else that you might think would be helpful. These parents and doctors are already doing what they believe is best for their child.
5. Nothing.
Many times, we would rather say nothing than risking hurting someone’s feelings by saying the wrong thing. However, silence doesn’t translate into sensitivity — it comes across as apathetic and uncaring. You can still say something to let the family know that you love and care for them.