If you’re a friend or loved one of a family facing cancer, you know how hard it can be to know what to say or do to best support and love on them. This is particularly true when it’s a child facing cancer. Most families will understand if you fumble your words a bit – it happens to those of us with the best of intentions.
But you can avoid careless or unintentionally hurtful words by preparing a little beforehand. Here are a few things you absolutely should tell families of children with cancer – and a few things to avoid saying at all.
3 Meaningful Phrases for Families Facing Cancer
#1. "Im here for you"
Sometimes the best thing you can do is offer your presence and support. Cancer journeys can feel isolating on top of all of the mix of difficult emotions. It may feel like too much for one person or one family to handle. Start by offering your help and availability in any way the family needs it. It might be as simple as a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on or as hands-on as helping with household chores, childcare, and transportation.
Make yourself as available as you can and let the family know it.
#2. "You're doing a great job."
Even though no parent causes a child’s cancer, there’s a certain level of guilt they may feel. Some people might even make them feel like their choices contributed – from what they eat to where they live to all sorts of outlandish theories. More than hearing that things aren’t their fault, these parents need to hear that they’re doing a good job. They need to know that they’re doing right by their child as caregivers, advocates, and a source of support. They need to know that keeping up with laundry isn’t the most important thing in the world. They aren’t failing for being too exhausted for home-cooked meals.
Let them know that they are seen, appreciated, and doing their best.
#3. "How are you doing?"
This isn’t a question that should be met with “fine.” As a friend and loved one, take care to really check on the wellbeing of the family – especially that of the parents. Present yourself as someone they can talk to about their real feelings and frustrations, emotions, and fears, without having to field unsolicited advice or platitudes. Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen.
3 Phrases to Avoid
#1. "Everything happens for a reason"
You might truly believe this. However, it doesn’t help anyone during tragedy, grief, or health crisis to hear. Though wonderful stories or strength and perseverance can come from overcoming cancer, it is always senseless to see a child suffer. It isn’t comforting, it isn’t helpful, and it makes life seem full of cosmic cruelty. Avoid this platitude at all costs.
#2. "Stay positive"
It is okay for people in a cancer journey to feel depressed. It’s okay to have dark days. Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of trying to get them to see the “bright side” or “stay positive.” Encouragement is one thing but pushing a positive outlook can seem hollow at best and insensitive at worst. When we ask suffering people to stay positive, it can communicate a few things:
- “I am uncomfortable with your grief and want you to pretend things are okay for my sake.”
- “You’re not trying hard enough.”
- “There is an upside to your child having cancer.”
In other words? It can come off as patronizing, selfish, and downright hurtful!
#3. "Silence."
We’re all afraid of saying the wrong things, but don’t allow your fear to translate into silence. For grieving families dealing with the mental, physical, emotional, and financial toll of fighting cancer, silence speaks volumes. You don’t have to have all of the right words. You don’t have to be poetic or particularly eloquent. Your words don’t have to fix anything, provide solutions, or be especially memorable.
All it has to be is heartfelt.
Don’t allow your fear of messing up to stop you from sending that card, making that call, or having that conversation. For these families, knowing that their community is behind them every step of the way – in word and in deed – lends great strength and hope.