When you know someone whose child has cancer, you want to do everything possible to bring them any measure of comfort you can. Many times, though, we’re worried about saying something wrong, doing more harm than good, or overstepping.

For the most part, your effort will be appreciated. But if you want to know what to say and do – and what to avoid – keep reading. These are seven things parents of cancer patients wish you knew!

7 Things to Know About Comforting Cancer Parents

#1 – Leave the medical advice to the child’s care team.

Parents and caregivers do not need your input on treatments, causes, or anything medical related to their child’s cancer. Period. This is true even if you are a doctor because you are not that child’s doctor! No matter what you think you know, no matter how helpful you think it might be, keep it to yourself. Unsolicited medical advice, be it traditional or alternative medicine, is never appropriate.

#2 – They just want to know you’re there for them.

Too many people who want to help and support cancer parents fail to do so because they’re afraid of making things worse. Don’t let fear keep you from being a supportive presence. You don’t have to say anything to support this family. Play to your strengths. It might be helping in practical ways rather than writing a heartfelt card or picking up the phone.

Regardless, find a way to make the family feel seen, loved, and helped.

#3 – Specific help happens.

When you think of specific ways to help, they’re going to happen. These families are often so overwhelmed by their new reality and all of its emotions that figuring out what they actually need is pushed to the back burner. If you want to help, start with specifics. Put together a meal train. Offer to do laundry. Ferry their other children to their extra-curricular activities.

Make an offer that you know you can commit to and do.

#4 – Every little bit helps.

You’re going to feel like you want to “fix” everything for your friend and their family. Just because you can’t, though, doesn’t mean that your efforts are in vain. The smallest demonstration of lovingkindness and service goes a long way. Just because you can’t do it all doesn’t mean you can’t do a little.

#5 – Avoid platitudes.

There are few worse feelings than when you’re experiencing grief, like the grief that comes from a cancer diagnosis and being fed empty platitudes. Avoid saying “everything happens for a reason,” “it will all be okay,” or “I know how you feel.” Instead, let your friend know you’re thinking of them, there for them, and willing to step up and do whatever needs doing. Even if platitudes may hold some truth in hindsight, they’re never something to say during a crisis.

#6 – Focus on the essentials.

While a pediatric cancer diagnosis is a scary and terrible thing, the world doesn’t stop. Parents still have responsibilities beyond their child with cancer, and those mounting responsibilities can be crushing. That’s where you step in. Be the one who provides and organizes meals, the one who cuts their lawn, and the one who runs essential errands. Be that person who can relieve some of the daily tasks that have become overwhelming and difficult.

Similarly, think about how you can help the family as they deal with travel and hospital stays. Put together a “go bag” for the child and the parents, for example. For the child, it can contain:

• A favorite stuffed animal
• A coloring or activity book
• Comfortable socks and pajamas or loungewear
• Snacks for sensitive tummies
• Toiletries
• A cozy blanket
• Notes of encouragement

For the parents, your “go bag” could include:

• Books and movies
• Loungewear
• Toiletries
• Giftcards for food or gas
• Snacks
• Bottled water
• Phone chargers

#7 – Ask how you can help…with suggestions in mind.

It’s totally okay to ask cancer parents how you can help. They might have specific things they do need and do have in mind, and you want to allow them to express those needs. On the other hand, you also want to bring suggestions to the table. Ask if they’d be interested in you organizing a fundraiser, handling communication and updates on social media, or helping in any number of ways they think would be appropriate.