Grief isn’t reserved for death. When your child receives a cancer diagnosis, you will likely find yourself going through the stages of grief. Even if you aren’t mourning a death, you still are in a sense: you’re mourning the perfect future you thought your child would have, the struggles they’ll endure, and how all your lives may change.

What’s important is not to avoid feelings of grief, but to deal with them in healthy, effective ways that empower you to best support, love, and advocate for your child.

Dealing with the 5 Stages of Grief

Remember this: the stages of grief are only a guideline and not a rule. Many people in the grieving process will skip stages, move back and forth between them, and struggle through the cycle multiple times before reaching true acceptance and the end of the grieving period.

There’s no shame in feeling “stuck” in the cycle. With that said, healthy coping strategies can help you better deal with and resolve the grieving process.

Stage 1: Denial

Denial is a defense mechanism. This is when someone receiving bad news finds themselves unwilling or unable to accept their new reality. In its best application, denial gives us time to process and adapt to the situation at hand without totally overwhelming us. Denial can, however, hold us back from taking important steps toward healing, solidifying treatment plans, and asking for appropriate support from friends and family.

How to Move Forward:

Recognize that feeling numb is not good for you or your child. Your emotions may be scary and overwhelming, but confronting those feelings is a critical part of grieving – and healing. Things may feel unreal, you may feel detached. But as much as you can, take in the reality a little at a time so you can advocate for your child effectively.

Stage 2: Anger

Anger often sets in when we are unable to deny our new circumstances. This anger may be directed towards ourselves, a higher power, or no one and nothing in particular. These feelings aren’t always rational. Loss makes us feel powerless, and that powerlessness leads to anger.

How to Move Forward:

Don’t act on your anger. Sit with it. Examine it. In many cases, anger is masking other emotions that you aren’t prepared to deal with or unpack. When the cloud of anger lifts, you’ll be able to approach your circumstances more rationally.

Stage 3: Bargaining

The bargaining stage may seem a bit odd if you’ve never been through a serious grieving process. Traditionally, people think of bargaining as trying to make a deal or a plea to a higher power. But perhaps a better term would be “rationalizing,” as this stage is characterized by a desperate search for control over the situation. For some, this may be looking for reasons where there are none, burying themselves in research, or otherwise trying to fight what feels like an unstoppable tide.

How to Move Forward:

Recognize that there are some things in life that you just can’t control. “What if” and “if only” will never help you move forward. They’ll just help you stay stuck, unable to truly face your circumstances. You may regret what you “could” have done – but try to focus on what you can do right now for your child. Take it day by day and moment by moment, focusing on the present.

Stage 4: Depression

Depression is perhaps the toughest stage of grief to deal with, and often the longest-lasting. This is when you truly and fully face your loss and grief. You’re done being angry, trying to justify or explain what happened, and you fully recognize and feel this reality. Don’t try to “smile through” this stage. Dealing with these real feelings is important and healing.

How to Move Forward:

Feeling depressed as part of the grieving process is completely normal. However, this depression can become debilitating and interfere with daily life. If you find yourself still sinking into depression over several months, reach out for help. Try grief counseling. You can do individual or family counseling. Additionally, you can look for support in your faith community and mindfulness practices.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean that you’re “over” your grief. What it means, though, is that you’ve come to terms with reality and are handling it in healthier ways every day. The good days outweigh the bad and you’re able to handle and process your emotions.

How to Move Forward:

Acceptance isn’t the end. Grief changes us as people and that doesn’t go away. However, don’t be upset with yourself if you repeat the stages of grief after you’ve reached acceptance. You may have to go through it all many times before you can truly move forward.

As the parent of a child with cancer, facing the grieving process is an inevitable reality – but you don’t have to go through it alone. It’s together in a meaningful community that we can kick cancer!