Raising teenagers is already a battle of hormones and wills. Many parents struggle to deal with the frustrations of teen angst and rebellion. When you throw cancer in the mix, it becomes even more challenging. No matter your child’s age, a cancer diagnosis can seriously impact their mental and emotional well-being, self-image, and physical health. 

Navigating childhood cancer is devastating at any age, but there are some unique challenges presented when your child is older.

How does a parent effectively connect with and care for their children in this vulnerable and scary situation?

A Helping Hand from Behavioral Therapy

Parents can tap into a whole world of resources if they know where to look. Some of these resources come from the world of counseling and therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is one such resource. This model of therapy, initially developed in the 1980s for individuals with BPD (borderline personality disorder), has been adapted to address a whole range of mental and emotional health conditions. Post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, and adolescent emotional issues in particular! 

DBT combines strategies from cognitive-behavioral therapy with mindfulness practices. One of the components of DBT is called the GIVE Skill. Here’s how it can help parents of teens with cancer!

How the GIVE Skill Works

The GIVE skill is part of the Interpersonal Effectiveness module, one of the primary components of DBT that focuses on communication skills and improving relationships. It stands for:

• Gentle
• Interested
• Validating
• Easy Manner

Following these principles helps us maintain healthy and effective relationships by being kind, understanding, and respectful. Here’s a breakdown of each part of the acronym:

G – Gentle

Approach with kindness and respect: Avoid being harsh, judgmental, or aggressive in your interactions. Use a calm and soothing tone: Speak softly and gently without raising your voice or sounding sarcastic. Avoid attacks: Don’t attack, threaten, or use ultimatums. Avoid using past words against the other person.

Even if your teen employs these tactics, don’t return them! Gentleness allows children to feel safe to express their true feelings. If you have trouble being gentle, work on your own emotional health and reactivity. 

I – Interested

Show interest in the other person: Listen to what they say without interrupting or formulating your response. Maintain eye contact: Show that you are paying attention and value their input. Ask questions: Demonstrate your interest by asking relevant questions about what your teen is going through.

V – Validating

Acknowledge their feelings and thoughts: Your child’s cancer journey is a unique experience, and they are entitled to their feelings whether or not they make sense to you. Show empathy: Understand and reflect back their feelings, making them feel heard and understood. Don’t allow your own feelings and opinions to take priority. Avoid dismissing: Don’t invalidate or minimize their experiences or emotions.

People in crisis often want to feel heard and understood. They aren’t necessarily looking for solutions. When tensions are high, it can be hard to validate your teenager’s emotions – especially when they seem irrational to you! But their feelings are genuine and affect their well-being.

E – Easy Manner

Be relaxed and approachable: Maintain a comfortable body posture and be mindful of your facial expression. Use humor appropriately: Lighten the mood with humor when suitable, but be sensitive to the context and the other person’s feelings. Read the room! Humor may not be an appropriate way to reduce tension. Stay calm: Keep a composed demeanor, even in difficult conversations. It’s okay to step away if you feel yourself getting too heated.

Stress and fear tend to bring out our worst traits. Cancer certainly does that, especially when your teenager is wrestling with fatigue, side effects, and self-image. Tensions can run high between parents and their kids in these situations…and that’s where GIVE comes in handy.

The GIVE skill is beneficial when maintaining a positive relationship is important – like with your child. Following these principles fosters trust and cooperation as well as respect and understanding.

Parents, we know how difficult and heartbreaking this journey can be. We understand how important your child is, and we hope these tactics will help make your cancer journey together just a little easier to bear.