When children have a friend with cancer or have had a cancer diagnosis themselves, questions will inevitably come up. Feeling as though they do not understand what is happening to themselves or to someone they care about can be a scary experience. However, when we know how to properly and appropriately answer these key questions, we can lend children understanding and a greater sense of control and comfort.
As adults, we are part of this big team of advocates for children with cancer. We’re a support network that includes everyone from helpers and cheerleaders to teachers and donors. Even if you feel you cannot help in big ways, being able to communicate age-appropriate answers both to our children with cancer and to those who have friends experiencing treatment.
Here a few ideas and guidelines for talking to kids about cancer.
Common Questions Kids with Cancer Ask
What is cancer?
Understanding, let alone explaining, cancer can be challenging, even for adults. Your explanation must be accurate, even if you do not go into all of the biological and scientific details with your child. Start simple and start small. It may help to use a doll or drawing to help your child visualize where the cancer is in their body.
Make sure to reassure them that they cannot give anyone cancer — it’s not like a cold or the flu. Most children can understand that there is a “lump” on or in their body that is hurting it or that certain systems aren’t working as they should.
Why did I get sick?
Whether they are diagnosed with cancer or watch another family member receive a diagnosis, a big question will always be why. Kids need to know that it is not their fault. No one did anything to give them cancer. It’s not punishment for anything bad. We don’t always know why people get cancer, but doctors do their best to make sure we get better when we do.
Because we don’t have an answer for this, give other reassurances that offer love and hope in scary times.
Will I get better?
It’s hard to answer this question because we don’t know. We can let our children know that they are getting medicine and help that has helped many other kids get better. In this, encourage your child to keep fighting. They’re up against a nasty opponent but they have a good team behind them working to win the toughest of matches.
Common Questions Kids Ask About Cancer
Why did my friend lose their hair?
People with cancer may experience hair loss from chemotherapy, suffer weight fluctuations, amputations, or other significant physical changes as their bodies fight cancer with the appropriate treatments. Children can know that their friend has to take special medicine to get rid of the things making their body sick and that, sometimes, that medicine gets rid of healthy things, like hair, too. Assure them that their hair will grow back after they finish treatment.
This can also be an opportunity to show solidarity with their friends — children with cancer feel less alienated and alone if their friends or family members shave their heads, too! If your child wants to do this to make their friend feel better, let them.
Will my friend die?
Many children know people who have had cancer and did not survive. Those these tend to be older family members, that is their only frame of reference when it comes to cancer. They’re going to be afraid for their friend.
Be honest — people do die from cancer. But reassure them that more and more people get better every year and doctors are getting better and better at helping kids with cancer survive and thrive.
Why can’t my friend ____?
Why can’t my friend come play? Or come to school? Or play sports? Both children with cancer and their friends will wonder why or if they will be able to do all of the fun things they enjoy and look forward to.
Kids can know that their friend is working hard to get better, and working that hard makes them very tired! Sometimes they can’t be around other people, but their doctor will help them know when it’s okay to play sports, take trips, and be with their friends.
Kicking cancer starts when we come together with compassion, support, and knowledge!