Discussing a cancer diagnosis with your children is always challenging. At different ages and stages of maturity and understanding, they may not grasp what’s going on. As a parent, you may want to shield them from some of the painful realities of the situation.

But when it’s their sibling, a brother or sister, that has cancer, their lives will change, too. And as a parent or guardian, it’s your responsibility to help them understand. Here are a few tips on talking to your kids when their sibling receives a cancer diagnosis.

8 Things to Say to the Siblings of a Childhood Cancer Patient

#1 – You did nothing to cause it.

One of the most common fears children have is that they somehow caused cancer. Be clear that they didn’t cause it, and neither did anyone else. It may also help them to know that they can’t do anything to give themselves cancer, either. It’s not what they eat or do.

#2 – You can’t “catch” cancer.

Children don’t always understand the concept of illnesses and may think that cancer is contagious. Be clear that it’s safe to be around their sibling – though we want to be very careful to wash hands and be clean when we get close. Their body is hard at work fighting cancer and may not have the energy to fight other things off, so we don’t want to spread germs!

#3 – The outcome isn’t always death.

Some kids will ask about death. While this isn’t a fun conversation, it’s a necessary one. Kids recognize when being lied to or shielded from the truth, and all it does is increase anxiety. Be honest about the possibility of death, but optimistic about successful treatment and recovery, too!

#4 – If you need someone to talk to, we’ll find someone you feel safe with.

It’s easy for siblings of cancer patients to feel alone and isolated in their feelings. They don’t always feel like they can come to their parents or guardians with those feelings, either. Offer to help them find someone they would feel safe talking to – a minister, an older family member, a teacher, or a professional counselor. This can give them a much-needed outlet without feeling judged for their feelings.

#5 – You are just as important to me.

Parents will inevitably focus their attention on the child with cancer. They’ll simply need more care and attention. Unfortunately, the other kids can get lost in the shuffle. They may feel unimportant or devalued when attention is taken away from them. Reinforce your love for them and how much they mean to you often. And more than saying it, show it! Orchestrate deliberate opportunities to focus on each of your other children.

#6 – It’s okay to talk about it.

Talking about cancer can be tough but be careful not to treat it as taboo. Let your children know that it’s okay to talk to you about their feelings, worries, and concerns. If you create an environment that encourages openness and honesty, you’ll allow your children to cope in healthy ways.

#7 – Some changes may happen.

Prepare your child’s siblings for some of the physical changes that they may go through, including hair loss, lack of energy, weight loss, and other side effects that may impact how they normally interact with one another. If they’re prepared, they’ll be better equipped to provide appropriate support while adjusting to things.

#8 – What do you want to know?

When you’re discussing a sibling’s cancer diagnosis, you don’t want to overshare. Not every kid wants or will understand all the details. With that said, some kids do want to know. Allow them to ask pointed questions about the diagnosis, treatment plan, what doctors do, and what their sibling will need from you and them. Answer clearly and honestly.

The last thing you want is for your children to overhear an adult conversation and misconstrue details. Not only can this lead to the spread of misinformation, but it can cause undue worry if your children build up things in their minds without understanding them.

Kicking cancer is a team effort! It takes parents, guardians, friends, and community members to help awesome kids through their cancer journey. If your child has brothers or sisters, they play an instrumental role in hope, healing, and encouragement. Set your children up to strengthen their bond by preparing them well!