Learning that a friend's child has cancer leaves most of us speechless. You want to help, to comfort, to say the perfect thing—but what is the perfect thing? Your heart aches for them, yet words feel inadequate, even if you say the “right” things.

You worry about saying something wrong, so sometimes you say nothing at all.

Here's what parents facing childhood cancer want you to know: there are no perfect words. 

But your willingness to show up, even imperfectly, matters more than getting every phrase right. Connection beats perfection every time.

Finding the Right Words for Hurting Friends

Most of us struggle to find appropriate words when faced with a friend's unimaginable situation. The phrases below come directly from parents who've lived through childhood cancer—these are the words that brought comfort rather than additional burden.

Words That Help

"I'm here for you." Simple, true, and powerful. These four words acknowledge the situation without requiring parents to explain, educate, or comfort you in return. But beware: follow through matters. Being there might mean dropping off groceries, sitting quietly during chemo, or responding to texts at 2 AM.

"What do you need today?" Not tomorrow, not next week: today. Cancer families often feel overwhelmed by the big picture. Focusing on immediate needs feels manageable. Be prepared for "I don't know" as an answer. That's okay. Offer specific help instead: "I'm going to the store. What can I bring you?"

"We're thinking of you. No need to respond." That last part is crucial. Cancer families field countless well-meaning messages. Giving them permission to not reply removes one small burden from their overwhelming load. They'll know you care without adding to their obligation list.

"Would it help if I [specific offer]?" Instead of "Let me know if you need anything," try "Would it help if I picked up your other kids from school this week?" or "Can I mow your lawn Saturday?" Specific offers require less mental energy to accept and demonstrate your readiness to help in concrete ways.

What Not to Say (And Why)

Even with the best intentions, certain phrases can inadvertently cause more pain. Understanding why these common responses hurt can help you avoid them and choose more supportive alternatives.

"Everything happens for a reason." Parents wrestling with their child's cancer diagnosis aren't looking for reasons—they're looking for support. This phrase, however well-intentioned, can minimize their pain and imply their child's suffering serves some greater purpose. It doesn't comfort; it isolates.

"God doesn't give us more than we can handle." Many families feel they're handling far more than any parent should. This statement can feel dismissive of their very real struggle and may conflict with their own spiritual journey through crisis.

"At least..." There's no good ending to this sentence. "At least it's treatable." "At least you caught it early." "At least you have other children." The word "least" minimizes maximum pain. Cancer families don't need silver linings pointed out—they need their reality acknowledged.

"I know how you feel." Unless your child has faced cancer, you don't. Even if your child has, every family's experience differs. Instead, try "I can't imagine how hard this must be."

"My cousin/neighbor/coworker had cancer and..." Please, don’t. Horror stories terrify families already facing their worst nightmare. Even success stories can feel like pressure or an impossible comparison. Save these stories unless you’re specifically asked.

"They're so strong, they'll beat this." While meant encouragingly, this puts pressure on the child to be strong and implies that children who don't survive weren't strong enough. Children don't beat cancer through strength or positive thinking—they survive through agile medical treatment and factors far beyond anyone's control.

When Actions Speak Louder

Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing while you do something. Show up with coffee. Send a pizza. Drop a care package on the doorstep. Organize the meal train. Pick up siblings for a fun afternoon. These actions say "you matter" more eloquently than words.

If You've Said the Wrong Thing

We all have. If you realize you've said something hurtful, a simple apology goes far: "I'm sorry. That wasn't helpful. I care about you and I'm still learning how to support you best." Parents appreciate honesty and effort over perfection.

The Most Important Message

What cancer families most need to hear isn't complicated: You're not alone. We care. We're here.

Your presence matters more than your words. Your continued friendship through the long months of treatment means everything. Don't let fear of saying the wrong thing keep you from showing up. Because the worst thing to say isn't something awkward or imperfect—it's nothing at all.

At Cancer Kickers Soccer Club, we believe in the power of community. Sometimes that community support sounds like perfect words of comfort.

More often, it sounds like showing up, trying your best, and staying present through the hardest match these families will ever face.